The Daily Prophet
by Ninamazing
Summary: Interesting new style I decided to try. Please review and give me your thoughts!!
1. Excerpts

Dear Harry,

How are you?? How's being on the Quidditch team for England?? I watched your match on Saturday - truly amazing, Harry, real talent, good job.

Now I know we're all graduated from Hogwarts, and well-settled into our new lives, and all of 21 years old, but still, I couldn't help reminiscing about those old years - Hermione the know-it-all, Fred and George the jokers, Cho the quiet girlfriend...*wink*...and Professor Snape the menace. Every year was a story in its own way, but you know how horrid I am at writing, so I got together with this fabulous writer, Joanne K. Rowling is her name, and she agreed to write our stories down and sell them to the Muggle world as fiction. Cross your fingers for a bestseller!!

Anyway, since the Daily Prophet doesn't go to Africa where your next game is, I'm sending you a few clippings from the Special Sunday Edition. Okay?? Enjoy!!

Love, RON.

#### Harry Really Flies!!

#### "IT'S EASY," THE PHENOMENAL SEEKER REPORTS

####  Greetings fans, time for another Sunday Sports Special with your favorite Quidditch reviewer - Ginny Weasley for the Daily Prophet!!

####  This week, a report on the fantastic game played by Harry Potter at England's recent match with Australia. The 'Leaping Kangaroos,' as they call themselves, could do little to stop the wonderful Snitch-catching of Harry Potter nine minutes into the game. This broke all records, and Harry is truly proud, I'm sure, though modest as always!!

####  The game started with England's possession of the ball, and their great Chaser, Angelina Johnson, taking the ball far up the field. A quick pass to Katie Bell, and a score for England as the Kangaroo Keeper dawdled at the other end of the goalposts!!

####  Angelina Johnson, with her incredible speed - she _has_ done a good deal of work at the summer training! - scored three more goals with Katie assisting as Harry, omnipotent as ever, floated above the action vigilantly. England's marvelous keeper Oliver Wood did an absolutely stellar job at preventing _any_ Australian-held Quaffle from getting near the goals.

####  But soon, it was Harry's turn. As the Snitch became visible in a flash of gold far below the goalposts, he sped down on his lovely _Silver Streak 2000_ broom and grabbed the Snitch - with his _teeth! _- before Australia's Seeker could touch it.

####  It was a great game, and a spectacular pleasure to watch. England has truly kept the Golden Gryffindor team of Hogwarts alive!! Congratulations, and let's all pray for another game like this one when they go against the Mighty Africa Lions next week!!

#### Special Report: Draco, In Your Dreams!!

#### ROBBERY OF GRINGOTTS IS SPECTACULAR FAILURE

####  Passersby were stunned early Saturday morning to see the convicted felon Draco Malfoy roaming the streets, and even more surprised to see him surrounded by Gringotts goblins!!

####  It seems that the fool, after breaking out of an Anger Control Center, a rehab branch of Azkaban, attempted to rob Gringotts, a feat no wizard has tried in all time. It turned out to be a fabulous failure, and Draco is now in the world - famous Pomfrey Hospital recieving top care for his magical and physical wounds.

####  The goblins seemed unavailible for comment, but a _Daily Prophet_ reporter managed to snag a young intern at the bank for a short word about the incident.

####  "All I can say is, don't ever try to rob Gringotts," she told us, "because you'll be up to your neck in Trouble with a capital 'T!!' Obviously, Draco was not right in the head - that's been proven before."

####  After that, several Gringotts officials cleared us out. The _Daily Prophet _could gather no more information about the incident.

#### Marriages, Births, Announcements

#### CONGRATULATIONS RON AND HERMIONE!!

#### The famous Ron Weasley, T.V. commentator for _Quidditch Weekly Network_, is proud to announce his marriage to Hermione Granger, highly acclaimed _Daily Prophet_ bestseller of her books _Hogwarts Study Guides and More!!_, _Advanced Arithmancy_, _Everything You Didn't Need to Know About Muggles_, and more. Congratulations, lovebirds!!

#### ANOTHER WEASLEY IN THE WIZARDING WORLD

#### Fred and Alicia Weasley, happily married for two years, now have a new light in their life!! Little Samantha Weasley, born 7 lb on March 5th, 2012 at 3:47AMin the morning, is a very energetic baby so far. The first thing she touched upon birth was her mother's old Hogwarts Quidditch broom, clearly a good omen for her later career. This marvelous announcement also explains Alicia's mysterious leave of absence from England's Quidditch team. She sends them her and Samantha's love and congratulations for their recent win.

#### Letters to the Editor

#### WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT HARRY?

#### Dear _Daily Prophet_,

####  I am seriously offended by your extreme focus on Harry Potter. What's so great about him?? He's married to some Cho person from _Quidditch Weekly_ - who ever said _that_ gave any helpful information on Quidditch!?! - and he's never really done anything spectacular, not even had any kids yet - never MIND that he's expecting!!

####  Focus on some cool people for once, in a non-negative way - like Draco Malfoy. Now _there's_ a real man for you!!

#### -Nimor Hari: pansyparkinson@heldback.hogwarts.edu

#### WEASLEY COVERAGE A JOKE?

#### Dear _Daily Prophet_,

####  Why all this Weasley junk?? What's so great about seven hundred million annoying lanky kids with red hair and awful-looking freckles??

####  All the boys play horrid pranks and fly around hitting Bludgers, and all the girls seem to think the Potter family is made up of good-looking saints!! Please stop this favoritism!!

#### -Wes Lee Arpor: pansyparkinson@heldback.hogwarts.edu

#### MORE MALFOY PLEASE!

#### Dear _Daily Prophet_,

####  I would just like to comment on the extreme lack of attention paid to a really wonderful guy, Draco Malfoy. He's my hero!! Look at the brave, handsome daredevil - flashing through streets, robbing banks, wearing those flowing black capes - and you can't even give him a Special, Special Report!!!!

####  This is a serious lack of competence on your part. I want to see it cleared immediatly.

#### -Iluv D. Racoe: pansyparkinson@heldback.hogwarts.edu

#### 

* * *

**Author's Note: Please tell me in your reviews or email whether this was lame, funny, stupid, or any other word you choose to use. ;) This is a new idea I got today while updating my site, Ninamazing Bookworm. It occured to me that I loved journalism, so... You know where it went from there. *grinz* Anyway, thanks for reading. Luv you all!!**


	2. Monday, March 8, 2012

**The Daily Prophet**

**_FIVE KNUTS LALALALALALALALALALALAAMONDAY, MARCH 8, 2012_**

* * *

_AFRICA TRAMPLES ENGLAND!!_

**HERO, STAR SEEKER, AND NEW FATHER HARRY POTTER DISAPPEARED**

In a shocking game that touched the world in a brand new - but awful - way, Africa's Mighty Lions walked all over England in yesterday's record-breaking Quidditch event. Seeker Harry Potter was obviously not himself, as certain members of the team report that he was quite green in the locker room, and loyal fans were sure he didn't have the same energy on his state-of-the-art _Silver Streak 2000_ professional broom. After the game, witnesses saw Harry taking off in the direction of Kenya. Where he is now, nobody knows. Officials report that they may be well on the track to find him.

Future Quidditch for England is seriously endangered if Harry isn't found soon!! Even though they are facing only mild competition against the United States Stars next month, England's team members - and plenty of fans - are rather worried. Angelina Johnson, one of the excellent group of Chasers, says, "Harry's just not himself - it worries all of us. I haven't seen him in the mood to do anything that drastic since we lost to Hufflepuff in his third year!!" Fred and George Weasley seemed very confused and anxious for Harry, as well.

But Oliver Wood, never fully free of his maniac energy, looks at the bright side of an uncomfortable situation. "Well, we still won the Quidditch Cup that year, didn't we?" he retorts in response to Angelina's comment. "Harry just needs rest and time to himself. Probably some personal problem - nothing that some extra dedication in training can't cure!!" Could this simple answer really be all that's needed??

Although there are many speculations about what's wrong with Harry, nobody really knows. Cho Potter of _Quidditch Weekly_, was unavailible for comment due to her hospitalization - Harry's child is on the way!! Ministry of Magic officials have been unable to find the greatest Seeker in the wizarding world as yet.

Could the hero of the wizarding world _finally_ have cracked??

_NEW BESTSELLER SHOCKS BOOKSTORES!!_

**HERMIONE WEASLEY WASTES NO TIME AFTER MARRIAGE**

The bestselling witch author Hermione Granger, now Hermione Weasley after her recent marriage to the famous Ron Weasley, commentator for_ Quidditch Weekly Network_, has produced another work of genius!! Master 'Technology and Wizardry' in a Month is sure to be a classic among all Hogwarts students!!

The book, already sold in fourteen different languages and three million copies, explains how to study for, understand, and ace the hardest course in all Hogwarts history (according to student polls). 'Technology and Wizardry,' now a required course for all seven years, goes through seven stages of life, from ancient civilizations to 3000, comparing and contrasting inventions with spells. The course, from fifth year on up, requires one year of Divination as a prerequisite, so that the years from 2012 to 3000 can be predicted without confusion.

Hermione gives all the little-known tips she used when studying for difficult classes in her time at Hogwarts, and also gives a view into the life of a modern Hogwarts student. The book, a stunning 800 pages long, is actually the shortest of Hermione's wise books. It is still a must-buy, however, for _any _Hogwarts student. Rush to your bookstore immediately!!

_SEVERUS SNAPE: BACK FROM THE DEAD??_

**GRAVE NOW EMPTY, EXPERTS FEAR YOU-KNOW-WHO AS CULPRIT**

Professor Severus Snape, longtime Potions teacher at Hogwarts and later convicted of murder and treason, has disappeared from his grave. The grave, filled for seven years, is now empty and dirt surrounds it. Time to be afraid!!

Experts suspect that You-Know-Who wanted his loyal servant back, and the public generally agrees. Snape was a liar and cruel teacher in his time, and 69 years was enough for everyone - we don't need another couple!!

The Ministry of Magic is currently tracking down the victim. Send red sparks in the direction of London if you see him in your vicinity, and the revolutionary tracking machine will come straight to your house and do a complete scan of the area.

The _Daily Prophet _suggests staying inside, watching for reports on your radio and television constantly, and keeping pets in the house!! If anything should happen at home, make sure you've bought the brand-new Cornelius Fudge Memorial Alarm System. Beware!!

**Letters to the Editor**

_Snape Innocent After All??_

Dear _Daily Prophet_ Writers & Editors,

I am severly displeased with your biased opinion of Severus Snape. He was a wise Potions teacher, I know, and any other students I've met who had him for that class have a complete and absolutely factual knowledge of any potion I can name.

You of course have all heard of the "myth" of a place called Heaven, derived from the Muggle concepts in ancient times by Egyptian wizards. Is it not possible that Snape's body could have risen to the sky so that he could rest in peace forever??

His dying words to his favorite students Harry and Ron (yes, I did say 'favorite!!') were the words only an honest gentlemen would utter; however, I am sworn to secrecy on exactly what they were. But, if this is enough for you, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley both think very highly of Severus - not for no reason at all.

I simply comment to plead for a less biased newspaper. Objectiveness is more valuble than you know!!

- Lavender Brown....lbrown@wizardrabbitnews.com

_Muggle Studies Just Doesn't Cut It_

Dear _Daily Prophet_,

I am writing basically to complain about an uninformed teacher and a badly designed class at Hogwarts. Muggle Studies could cover so much that is interesting about Muggles, yet it focuses on unimportant and embarrassing points in our history!!

Being from a Muggle-born family (and proud of it!), I am seriously offended by this. I think Hogwarts should completely rethink this course and maybe let the teacher take it. I have just graduated from my seventh year at Hogwarts, and I thought it was time to let them know what I think.

My friends who have taken the course over the years have learned absolutey _nothing_ of importance about Muggles. I have had to teach them all that they know. Please, Hogwarts, listen to me and the _Daily Prophet_, and make use of this valuble advice!!

- Alex Black....blackblack@DoTheMuggle.com

_More Ministry, Less Hogwarts_

Dear _Daily Prophet,_

You hardly focus at all on the Ministry of Magic's doings these days!! Instead, it's Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts, and Quidditch, Quidditch, Quidditch. PLEASE, I'm begging you for world news, and government news, not just this sports and education junk!!

- Robert Allemagi....robertallemagi@ministryofmagic.gov

**Weather Report - London, England & Surroundings**

_Whole Week View_

Generally sunny, a few showers late in the week. Temperatures averaging 47`°`F.

_Today_

Sunny all day, 35% chance of showers in the late afternoon and very early morning. Temperature anywhere from 35-58`°`F.__

_Tomorrow_

Mostly sunny all day. Temperature anywhere from 43-56`°`F.

**Marriages, Births, Announcements**

_Congratulations, Parvarti and Owen!!_

Owen and Parvarti Lincroft are proud to announce the arrival of their brand-new son, Albus Lincroft, in honor of the current Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Albus is a colicky but happy baby, born at 8 pounds exactly.

_First Annual Hogwarts Carnival_

Hogwarts has just announced that they will begin holding a carnival every year on June 1st, as a celebration of summer. This year's carnival will include the Muggle classic dunking booth (with a new magical surprise!), auctions on Quidditch supplies, a pot-luck picnic, assorted games for the young ones, and a giant jumping bean. The Carnival will be held on the magnificent Hogwarts grounds, and there will be a Quidditch tournament the week after. More to come!!

****

**Ministry of Magic Updates**

Minister of Magic Roy O'Leera announced that he would be stepping down this morning on _Wizard National News_. He says that the job has become "too much" and that he longs to start his retirement and happy days on his new yacht. Unfortunately, officials from the Ministry seem very displeased with this sudden resignment, and roam their offices with displeasure.

However, they _are_ quite happy at the thought of choosing a new Minister/Ministress. They remained silent when asked about their progress on the search, but _Daily Prophet_ reporters note that official-looking owls have been seen flying to and from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the Moonlight Publishing Company, and the Poltergeist Charm Masters Inc. main offices. To be continued...

****

**Stock Watch**

This has been a rare Monday - most stocks changed little, and the WSA (Wizard Stock Average) went up three and a quarter points. Moonlight Publishing Company stock plummeted, however, leaving many brokers close to bankruptcy. Watch out!!

****

**_Daily Prophet_ Staff**

_Senior Editor................................_Seamus Finnigan

_Columnists................................_Ginny Weasley, Patrick Estrange, Lionel Pardor, Jane Gregors

_Reporters................................_Ely Wishton, Maria Pardeli, William Gregors, Josie Jelkin, Alex Nimo

***SPECIAL THANKS TO MOONLIGHT PUBLISHING COMPANY FOR USE OF THEIR FANTASTIC FACILITIES***


	3. Tuesday, March 9, 2012

**The Daily Prophet**

**_FIVE KNUTS LALALALALALALALALALALAA TUESDAY, MARCH 9, 2012_**

* * *

_HARRY, SNAPE MYSTERIES BEGIN TO UNFOLD_

**SNAPE RISES FROM HIS GRAVE AND HARRY POTTER VANISHES - IS THERE A CONNECTION??**

The Ministry of Magic Secret Intelligence Department has released some shocking discoveries to the press, and the _Daily Prophet_ feels the need to tell the absolute truth for our wondering readers. Snape disappearing from his grave, Harry disappearing from his humiliating loss, is there a connection?? Yes.

In furthur investigation of Professor Severus Snape's grave, they found long fingermarks and footprints, and signs of a struggle. It looked as though the grave had been dug up, the dead body dragged out, except for one small, crazy exception: the dead body seems to have put up a good fight. We can only speculate as to what happened. Did You-Know-Who drag Snape out unwillingly?? Or perhaps Snape was pulled out of his endless sleep by a mentally distressed Harry Potter?? Nobody can tell.

The Head of the Ministry's SID, Jeremy Greenfeld, told us his ideas on the matter. "No good trying to keep this a secret, rumors would fly and then we'd have a real problem on our hands!! What I'd like to tell you all is stay calm, don't forget to send red sparks to London if anything seems unusual around your neighborhood, and don't let your children outside. May I remind you, though," he reassures, "the greatest wizarding hero of all time is helping our side of the problem. Ill or absolutely fine, I'm sure Harry is in excellent physical condition and doing his best to protect his people."

Is Harry really all right, though?? He wouldn't stay away from the hospital for so long now, with little Potter on the way and Cho needing him. Loyal fans and good friends wonder: was it that You-Know-Who took him over and forced him to revive Snape?? Only time and the best investigations by the SID will tell.

_CANADA STOMPS ON U.S., GOOD OMEN FOR ENGLAND_

**THE WORLD-FAMOUS ENGLAND QUIDDITCH TEAM LOOKS LIKE A FAVORITE TO WIN**

In today's action-packed game, Canada's talented Maple Moons completely ruined the United States Quidditch team, the Stars. This is looking good for England, who will have to play the Stars in a few weeks - maybe without the best Seeker in the world. The record-breaking score, 240-30, shows that the Maple Moons, England's almost-equal in world Quidditch, can easily overtake the Stars.

It's obviously been a horrible season for the Stars. Captain Marsha Jones complains, "Not a single game won this year yet!! Not ONE!! Our team has no heart, you can tell the minute their brooms start to rise. They don't care enough to go fast, catch the Snitch, or protect their teammates from the harsh Bludgers. We are getting trampled by every team we play, and I won't stand for it anymore!! We've just GOT to beat England and I'm going to tell them this is our best chance!!"

"Maybe with Harry gone, we could try. I don't really think we could do it, though," says Tracie McMull, a Chaser for the Stars. Who disagrees with her? Even though England may have to search for a backup Seeker (like Cedric Diggory, on England's B-Team), they've still got the best team in the world. Fred and George Weasley, the human Bludgers, Angelina Johnson, the speeding bullet, Katie Bell, the Quaffle Queen, Alicia Spinnet, always there when you need her, and Oliver Wood, the omnipotent Keeper and excellent, energetic team Captain. Who dares go against _them_??

_ A NEW WAY THE BEST WAY?_

**HOGWARTS GRADUATE BRINGS NEW LIGHT TO HISTORY**

After years of sitting, bored out of her mind, in the 'History of Magic' class at Hogwarts, Alexa Taritski takes a new approach to wizard history. She has assigned a titanic, amazing task to herself, but she pushes on with cheerful determination. Bored young witches and wizards will love her forever!!

Since her father, Kenneth Taritski, works in the wizard film industry, she has been exposed to many great movies and made friendships with a lot of wonderful actors and actresses over the years. She is the perfect person to start the brand new _Helpless at History_ video series, four collections of twenty hour-long videos covering the marvelous wizards of ancient Egypt, Rome, Greece, and China and thier intriguing work in magic. These will surely be far more interesting to young witches and wizards then a lecturing ghost.

Featuring the best wizards and witches in Hollywood, these spectacular collections are not to be overlooked. 'Entrancing Egypt,' the first collection in the series, is being filmed as you read. There are only three hour-long segments to be filmed yet, and then it'll take about three months before they start getting sold in bookstores, video stores, and movie rental places. You can see this fabulous beginning before then, though. Just tune in to _The Magical History Network_ at 8 pm eastern every night starting April 1st to watch one segment each night. Have fun and don't forget to learn while you're at it!!

**Letters to the Editor**

_Drama Lacking At Hogwarts_

Dear _Daily Prophet_,

Hi. I'm a Hogwarts student, and I'd just like to bring to mind to everybody the non-existent drama program at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. First of all, with those new history videos coming out, I'm sure there are parts for kids, and some of us could make a lot of money and have fun, too.

But how are we supposed to act if Hogwarts doesn't allow us any practice?? There should be at least two plays a year, I say, and we wouldn't have to spend much money on them, either. It would be extremely fun and yet another use for our spectacular Great Hall. Also, my friends back me up in this, and I'm sure many more at my school agree.

If you want to fight for acting rights, email me with your name and address so I can add you to the growing petition. Actors, dancers, singers, and performers unite!!

Helena Weasley....dragondrama@potter.hogwarts.edu

_Are We Child-Safe??_

Dear _Daily Prophet_ Staff,

All this Snape business is scaring the heck out of my children. I thought you smart guys would know better than to put this stuff on the front page where all the little ones, who can read, will see it and want to know more.

I suggest you add a kids' magazine as a supplement, with lots of color, of course, so that my young boys and girls won't get evils like You-Know-Who forced into their heads. Write about the Hogwarts Carnival, the Helpless History tapes, Quidditch updates, anything but ghosts and ghouls and goblins and graves.

Elaine Spinsackadistro....espinella@mothersagainsteverything.org

_Careful With Your Spelling!!_

Dear _Daily Prophet,_

Every day, it seems, you have a retraction. Cut it out and just learn to spell!!

- Lara Harbison....president@wecanwriteandyoucan'tsoha.com

_Network This, Network That..._

Dear the _Daily Prophet_,

I say, can't you guys think up more imaginative names for television channels?? The whole "The ________ Network" idea was cool at first, but it's getting old, honestly.

No offense, but I really think newspapers should stay newspapers, magazines should stay magazines, and television channels should keep to themselves. All this merging and creating is confusing and annoying - also frustrating when it takes hours to flip through every Network this, Network that.

- Roy Smith....notebookdoll@channelsurfersoftheworld.com

**Weather Report - London, England & Surroundings**

_Whole Week View_

Generally sunny, a few showers late in the week. Temperatures averaging 47`°`F.

_Today_

Party cloudy, high chance of showers in the morning and late afternoon. Temperature between 43 and 59`°`F.

_Tomorrow_

Bright and sunny, 14% chance of showers in the early evening.

**Marriages, Births, Announcements**

_April, May, and June_

The three dynamic Miller sisters, April, May, and June, made a vow at age14 to all get married together. Today, they fulfilled that vow as the pretty, young triplets had the first three-way wedding in wizard history. April Miller, now April Bruster, wife of Ben Bruster, is thrilled and excited that the sisters could get married together. Couples May and Jimmy Holstein and June and Erik Mellorica agree. "An enormous thanks to our familes and friends, who came to our wedding and supported us always!!" they say, grinning.

_Kwikspell Tournament_

The famous, incredible remedy for magically inept witches and wizards is hosting their Third Annual Tournament in just a month. The site this time is Sydney, Australia, where once-ridiculed "Squibs" will put their new spells and potions into action to compete for the Kwikspell Kup, a small golden bowl that signifies a person's departure from the world of embarassment and shame at their magic. Good luck, Kwikspell students!!

**_KWIKSPELL: FOR ALL YOUR MAGICAL NEEDS_**

**_ORDER YOUR FIRST INSTALLMENT OF THE MIRACULOUS KWIKSPELL PROGRAM TODAY!!_**

**_LEARN BASIC TECHNIQUES IN A WEEK, AND ALLOW A MONTH FOR REAL WIZARDRY TO COME_**

**_USING THE KWIKSPELL METHOD, YOU WILL NEVER FAIL!! THOUSANDS HAVE TRIED IT AND LOVED IT..._**

**_SO JOIN US TODAY!! GO TO HTTP://WWW.LEARN-IT-THE-KWIKSPELL-WAY.COM/_**

**Ministry of Magic Updates**

The search for the new Minister/Ministress is still going on, and the _Daily Prophet_ has been unable to gather any more information about this interesting development. More later...

**Stock Watch**

Moonlight Publishing Company stock continues to plummet, relentlessly stripping thousands of their precious money. If you own any stock in Moonlight Publishing Company, _the Daily Prophet suggests you withdraw it as soon as possible!!_ This has suddenly become a very dangerous investment. The WSA is up 3 points, however, bearing this loss.

**Retraction**

Sorry, readers!! In our 'Letters to the Editor' yesterday, we reported that Lavender Brown was "severly displeased." The correct spelling of the word, as our editors noticed later, is "severely." Thank you for your time, cooperation, and patience with our little errors.

**_Daily Prophet_ Staff**

_Senior Editor................................_Seamus Finnigan

_Columnists................................_Ginny Weasley, Patrick Estrange, Lionel Pardor, Jane Gregors

_Reporters................................_Ely Wishton, Maria Pardeli, William Gregors, Josie Jelkin, Alex Nimo

***SPECIAL THANKS TO MOONLIGHT PUBLISHING COMPANY FOR USE OF THEIR FANTASTIC FACILITIES***


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